Unbridled

There's something to be said about typing. The staccato rhythm of keys clanging against the keyboard somehow soothe me. This how a promise sounds like. The promise of letting the soul become unbridled again. Even if it is for a short while. Unbridled from the daily hum drum, the decorum of an adult life. And every time it becomes even more difficult to break away from the chains.

Ever have this feeling of wanting to hold on? It was once a brimming couldron of thoughts from which I could magically twirl out contents. Then it was reduced to a boiling couldron and I had to struggle to get things moving. Since the past year, it seems to have become dormant. I feel as I don't have anything much say. I live in constant fear of acting 'legitimate'. Something which would be relevant to my age and stature.  Why is it that as we grow older, we pull ourselves back even more? Whatever happened to living life to the fullest? Why do we get embarrassed at the slightest excuse? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we strap ourselves so tightly in so that the straps start digging in our shoulders? When does the reactions of a roomful or a train-full of people, strangers no less, matters more than what you want? What if someday we forget where the keys to the locks we impose on ourselves are kept?

The Funk

Once in a while, I need to rant. Not food-wise, but life-wise. Having a blog just makes it so much more convenient. You know, just this once. Pretty please? I knew you would understand.

I need to get a new camera. Need to build a 'light box'. Need to try new recipes. I need some new clothes. I need to blog more often. *sigh* So many things to do and I haven't a clue where to start.

But above all, I need to shake off "the mood". I have been getting introspective lately. Revisiting 'purpose' of my life and what direction I am headed career-wise. I seemed to remember this kind of darkness and confusion. I have been through this before and for the life of me, I couldn't remember what I did to get out of it. I keep hunting for clues and I keep circling round and round.

I crave for an environment of possibilities. I loved St. Xavier's for this very reason. Within its hallowed hallways and gothic archways, I was free. Free to dream about possibilities of tomorrow and free to believe in myself. I guess I was craving for something similar when I went to IIM-A 2 weeks ago. Alas, 1 week was too short for IIM to get to me or maybe I have become too jaded, too cynical to believe in the illusion of world of possibilities. But, I want to believe again, so badly.

Today I stumbled upon my old blog which I used to maintain during my undergrad. It was an amateur effort at best but it was entertaining. Well, I did have like 3 regular readers.

I began reading one of my old blog posts, and I stumbled onto something which resonated so deeply inside me. It is nice to have blogs, to have something solid to introspect on. I was a little lost when I had written the post and it put on a brave, comical front. 7 years ago, the teenage version of me had decided to 'just suck it up' and climb that seemingly unsurmountable mountain.

Then I read a little more. It was like finding a little piece of me which due to some strange reason hitched a ride to an unknown destination. Boy, was I full of strange ideas. I was charmed. Uh, I just realized how freakish that sounded. Whoever heard of being charmed by themselves? Well, in my defense, this person was full of energy, exuberance and so many ideas and interests! I mean she blogged about Formula 1. Formula 1! This fiesty lady predicted that Jenson Button was just in a bad car and is worthy of becoming a F1 champion. And you know what? This lady was absolutely right! In 2009, the gentleman was indeed the world champion, a full 3 years later.

Maybe, all's not lost. There's hope still for me. I just need to re-find that fiesty gal. I should focus on the bright side. I indeed quit my job which made me dig deeper into my blanket when the alarm rang each morning. I do have a new job which is paying me better, if only slightly better. It is providing me an opportunity to do something new which I wanted. Now, it may not be what I had envisioned, but who knows, maybe I will like it after all. I can always come back to what I am doing now. Maybe. Or maybe I can go back to school.

Oh well, tomorrow's another day.