The Funk

Once in a while, I need to rant. Not food-wise, but life-wise. Having a blog just makes it so much more convenient. You know, just this once. Pretty please? I knew you would understand.

I need to get a new camera. Need to build a 'light box'. Need to try new recipes. I need some new clothes. I need to blog more often. *sigh* So many things to do and I haven't a clue where to start.

But above all, I need to shake off "the mood". I have been getting introspective lately. Revisiting 'purpose' of my life and what direction I am headed career-wise. I seemed to remember this kind of darkness and confusion. I have been through this before and for the life of me, I couldn't remember what I did to get out of it. I keep hunting for clues and I keep circling round and round.

I crave for an environment of possibilities. I loved St. Xavier's for this very reason. Within its hallowed hallways and gothic archways, I was free. Free to dream about possibilities of tomorrow and free to believe in myself. I guess I was craving for something similar when I went to IIM-A 2 weeks ago. Alas, 1 week was too short for IIM to get to me or maybe I have become too jaded, too cynical to believe in the illusion of world of possibilities. But, I want to believe again, so badly.

Today I stumbled upon my old blog which I used to maintain during my undergrad. It was an amateur effort at best but it was entertaining. Well, I did have like 3 regular readers.

I began reading one of my old blog posts, and I stumbled onto something which resonated so deeply inside me. It is nice to have blogs, to have something solid to introspect on. I was a little lost when I had written the post and it put on a brave, comical front. 7 years ago, the teenage version of me had decided to 'just suck it up' and climb that seemingly unsurmountable mountain.

Then I read a little more. It was like finding a little piece of me which due to some strange reason hitched a ride to an unknown destination. Boy, was I full of strange ideas. I was charmed. Uh, I just realized how freakish that sounded. Whoever heard of being charmed by themselves? Well, in my defense, this person was full of energy, exuberance and so many ideas and interests! I mean she blogged about Formula 1. Formula 1! This fiesty lady predicted that Jenson Button was just in a bad car and is worthy of becoming a F1 champion. And you know what? This lady was absolutely right! In 2009, the gentleman was indeed the world champion, a full 3 years later.

Maybe, all's not lost. There's hope still for me. I just need to re-find that fiesty gal. I should focus on the bright side. I indeed quit my job which made me dig deeper into my blanket when the alarm rang each morning. I do have a new job which is paying me better, if only slightly better. It is providing me an opportunity to do something new which I wanted. Now, it may not be what I had envisioned, but who knows, maybe I will like it after all. I can always come back to what I am doing now. Maybe. Or maybe I can go back to school.

Oh well, tomorrow's another day.